


The Same Damn Smirk

by FTS4ever



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: EXO - Freeform, M/M, Mentions of drugs, Underage Drinking, XiuChen - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-12
Updated: 2019-08-12
Packaged: 2020-08-19 19:01:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,585
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20214694
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FTS4ever/pseuds/FTS4ever
Summary: With blurry memories being his only guide he keep finding himself falling to the same damn smirk of the past.





	The Same Damn Smirk

**Author's Note:**

> I don’t write much in first person so excuse me, I’m out out or practice

That smile, no smirk. That damn flirty smirk he gave me the first time we saw each other was my downfall.

Everything from there went down hill, maybe not down hill but it certainly felt like that when I found myself looking forward to that smirk and yearning to see more of him. To watch myself fall apart in his hands without a single care in the world as long as he was the one doing it.

His playful smirk that always followed him around, even as he kissed me I could feel it tugging his lips. As we stumbled our way to his bedroom, not once disconnecting our lips and certainly did not fail to appear as he pushed me into his bed.

A smirk, playful, flirty and not once exchanging between the lines of mischievous.

I don't why I let myself give everything to him when I knew all he was looking for at first was fun. Fun anyone with a body could provide. But somehow I felt I was different, and that led me to believe and trust.

Something I since long was a pain in the ass to give.

And as that night I let myself free to that smirk, to all those soft and sweet touches all I could think of was how even if all failed I knew I wasn't going to regret giving myself to him. Because that time I had a feeling I wasn't just a good fuck, someone to just have fun of and throw away the second they got boring.

After all, one does not make love to someone they don't want to stick around.

One who just wants them for fun does not let them sleep in your bed and hugs them tightly after all the commotion and kisses them even after they're both tired and exhausted.

They don't greet you in the morning with a bright smile, not smirk but a true sweet and soft smile on their lips as they hug you close to their chest and whisper 'good morning'.

I somehow knew that even before that he wasn't planning to just get into my pants. Because the way he had always followed me around. Yes maybe with a few flirty comments and that playful smirk still on his lips always seem more out of curiosity rather than lust.

The way he had completely befriended all my friends in a way that made it seem almost as if he wanted to fit in and have permission from my circle of friends. Last but certainly not least, the way he waited for me even when I pushed him away thinking all he wanted was fun.

He waited, and waited and waited even after months of being turned down. And through out those months not once did I saw him turn his attention to someone else. It made me confused at first, but then I convinced myself he was persistent.

I was not wrong.

He was and still is, persistent for things he wants. And I just happened to fall in that category of things he desired and wished he had. Maybe not wished because that's a term for something one wants but isn't able to achieve.

Because in the end he had me.

I wasn't one to usually give in so easily, and even with him nothing changed of me. Maybe that was what attracted him, maybe a few other aspects of me. Be it my body, personality or just my whole self, that I still don't know.

But I don't care as this point, I don't care if he's just using me. Even if at first I had been completely terrified at the thought of being used in any sort of way, I don't care anymore. As long as he's the one I am being manipulated by.

I don't mind falling down and crashing. I don't mind being broken down to a million pieces there is no way to rebuild myself. I don't care anymore if I crash and burn, if I fall in too deep and there is no one there to catch me.

As long as its him, for me that's all that matters. I am to the point where even if he uses me, even if he breaks me and destroys me to the point where I can't be fixed back I wouldn't mind.

That's how crazy he has turned me, how hard in love I fell.

And through this whole thing that smirk and playful look in his eyes never left. Not when he pushed my legs apart, and almost naturally sliding inside me filling me up in the most pleasurable ways. Nor did it left when he fucked me in oblivious.

I could hear him, his hot breath whispering in my ear things such as how good I made him feel, and how hot and tight I was as he continued pounding into me. I could feel the force and the tight grip he had on my hips and the way his lips melted into mine.

All those factors yet that damn smile never leaving his lips.

"Mm....oh fuck! S-so good....fuck.. ....you feel so good...g-god...." were his words as he tried to muffle his moans and grunts of pleasure against my bruised neck. All I could do was sink my nails in his shoulders and gasp softly as he continuously hit that spot inside me that left me in a dizzy.

"S-so close.."

I am honestly surprised nobody's caught us yet, well it wouldn't be the first time we had sex (practically) out in the open. With a final hard thrust I muffled my scream by crashing my lips to his, the tension that had been building up in my stomach finally let go and spilled a warm liquid in between us.

A few seconds later his groan against my lips made me very much aware of his release. Just as a warm liquidy sensation filled me up I remembered we forgot about condoms again. A sigh of both relief and pleasure escaped my lips.

I feel drained but knew in a few moments my energy would come back. It almost felt like a routine this now, he dragging me somewhere where nobody was in sight and fucking me into we're both screaming each other's name.

Feels both pleasurable and tiring, but it doesn't matter. Slowly pulling out of me I watched him as he looked around and grabbed towels. He walked back to me and kneeled down, cleaning my stomach from my cum while I lean against the wall, barely with enough energy to stand up.

"2 in a row huh, I see nothing's changed." his teasing made me look down at him, finding him with a playful smile playing in his lips. Usually we only go 1 round when we're outside but he seem to have been in the mood for 2 rounds.

I rolled my eyes at his comment and decided not to say anything. Before I knew it he was done and stood up. I didn't have enough time to think or say anything before I felt a grip on my chin and lips pressed against mine.

A tongue forced itself into my mouth, making me gasp in surprise. My hands almost as if they had a mind of their own found themselves gripping his dark brown hair, fingers tangling in the messy hair of his that for some strange reason always felt so soft.

When he finally pulled back my breaths were uneven and short, I could barely even form a thought by how dizzy his kisses always made me feel. It wasn't fair how easy it was for me to loose all control to him, how easy it was for him to make me breathless and into a mindless puppet.

But how could I ever complain?

Pecking my lips once last time he stepped back and send me a mischievous smile my way. His way to tell me he will be looking for more fun later. No surprise there, like he could ever have enough fun to stop asking for more.

I shakily pushed myself away from the wall and walked over to my clothes, groaning in disgust as I pulled my clothes over my sweaty skin. The only thing I hate about this is the mess we leave behind and how dirty we get in the end.

After what had felt like a million years of struggling to put clothes on I walked back to him. His arm already making his way to my waist almost as if by instinct. As we made our way towards the door I say words I said many time to him.

"I love you."

I heard a small laugh from my side before lips brushed against my ear, I shudder at the touch.

"I know baby. I know."

Has always been his words to my confessions, always the same words. The arm around my waist left me and instead a hand caressed my cheek, softly, almost lovingly I dare say.

"And you know I love you too right?"

I nod, for me it didn't matter if that was a lie or not. As long as he let me stay by his side and that happy smile never left his lips I didn't care if all those 'I love you's' were a lie or the truth.  
_______

3rd Person POV

"Hey Xiu-Minseok, its been a long time hasn't it?"

The man who had practically frozen into a statue stiffly nodded slowly, a somewhat uneasy smile grazing over his lips. Xiumin looked at the man in front of him and scanned him up and down.

He was attractive that much was true.

His hair instead of a natural black or brown had been dyed into a soft honey like blond, fluffy and into waves that feel down his forehead. Cute. The black jeans that were ripped in the knees and a little in the upper part hugged his legs nicely and the baby blue shirt fit him as if it was meant for him.

A cough caught his attention making realize he had been staring, that alone made a small pink blush dust over his cheeks. Deciding to ignore the unusual warmth in his cheeks Xiumin stared at him.

"Xi-Minseok," the other man paused and let out a sheepish smile by the way it was so hard to get out of habit of calling Xiumin his nickname everyone called him. "Its uh, a very um." Xiumin couldn't help but notice how uncomfortable he looked.

"....nice to see....that uh you're doing...well(?)..yeah I'm glad you been doing good." the man in front of Xiumin said the last part (almost) confidently. Xiumin could only nod, not really having anything to say. What was he supposed to say anyways?

"Look I know I sound very awkward because we haven't talked in so long and is partly-no, all my fault. I'm sorry, I just wanna apologize again." Xiumin tilted his head, lips parted open in a way that said he didn't have a clue how to respond.

The man seem to had gotten the clue and suddenly proposed an idea. "You probably don't feel comfortable talking to me or things about what happened in the open. Maybe we can talk somewhere more private?" he proposed, an almost pleading look in his eyes.

"I know I don't deserve-heck am not even allowed to ask for your forgiveness after what I did but please Xiu -Minseok I-"

"U-uh I'm sorry b-but do I know you?"  
~

He blinked, maybe in surprise, maybe in shock or maybe in numbness. He didn't know, all he knew was that those words just made him entirely freeze in his place. A cold, almost numbing sensation washed over his body, heart dropping to the pit of his stomach for a second.

"W-what?! Xiu! Come on, its me!"

He laughed uneasily, a dreadful feeling creeping up on his heart. With a forced smile on his lips he watched in anticipation as the man in front of him only gave a somewhat awkward smile. His forced smile started to slowly fall, heart that had been depending in thin strings to hold it together were slowly being torn by each passing second.

"Uh....I don't really remember you." Xiumin gave him an uncomfortable lift of lips. _'No, he's just joking.'_forcing himself to not start screaming like a dramatic person he gulped.

"I know what I did was horrible Xiu, but please don't act like you don't know me. If that's your way to getting me back I swear I learned my lesson but please don't do something so cruel." he pleaded, feeling his heart squeeze in pain.

Just the thought of the man in front of him forgetting him caused tears to surface, he forced them back and steadied his voice. The thought of his voice cracking while he spoke made him cringe. (It would ruin his dramatic effect)

The only response he received was a blink from Xiumin, who had an uneasy thin line on his lips. "I'm sorry but I really have no memory of you, I must have forgotten you." the way Xiumin spoke and the sincerity of his eyes showed he wasn't lying.

And he could tell when Xiumin was lying.

His eyes showed no hint of insincerity.

"Xiu come on please, stop this non-sense you're talking about. We spend at least one third of our lives together. Please." he whispered, refusing to believe the words of the man in front of him. He was in denial, he knew what he was doing but no, it wasn't true.

"I don't know you." Xiumin stated firmly, a small sigh leaving his lips. He knew Xiumin didn't like repeating himself and much less liked having to deal with stubborn people. Opening his mouth to start saying another round of pleads his eyes widen when Xiumin turned around.

Quickly he ran towards the other man and grabbed his wrist, holding it on a firm hold but not too tight. He felt Xiumin stiffen when their skins touched, a reaction he had seen the older man do many times. But this time he wasn't sure if it was for the same reason as before.

"Xiumin please its me," his voice was thick with emotion, something he didn't like to often reveal.

"Who exactly is 'me'?"

"......Jongdae, Kim Jongdae."  
______

_Flashback_

_"I'm sorry, Minnie I'm really sorry I-"_

_"G-get out!"_

_"Minnie please-"_

_"Get out, just get out."_

_"Min-"_

_"GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE YOU SICK LIAR! I DON'T WANT TO YOUR FACE!"_

_Jongdae's eyes filled with tears at the angry words, his heart that had previously been pounding fastly started to twist in painful ways._

_No, what he done._

_How could he ever hide something like this from the person who had every right to know about it._

_"I-"_

_"Shut up! I don't want to fucking hear it!"_

_"Just please let me explain-"_

_"That what?! The fact that you stole my virginity when I was fucking drugged?! That you didn't even bother to fucking tell me until years later!"_

_"I-it wasn't my fault-"_

_"Even if it wasn't you the one who gave me that stupid drug! Even if you yourself were drunk you should have told me the day after!"_

_"I-I wanted to tell you-"_

_Xiumin paced around the room in anger, the feelings of hurt and betrayal blinded him from rational thinking. He snapped his attention at his fiancé, lips turned into a furious scowl._

_"Then why the hell did you ran away the morning after! Why did you dress me up and made me believe nothing had fucking happened! When in reality..."_

_"X-xiumin I didn't know how to tell you-"_

_"So you just waited 9 fucking years to tell me my first time wasn't that night I supposedly gave my virginity to you but instead I lost it when I was fucking high!" Xiumin glared at the man in front of him, heart torn in 2._

_That night he had decided it was ok for him to give himself to the man he loved, that special night he had thought would be special because he would give himself to the person he loved for the first time was nothing but a lie._

_He had been robbed of that when someone put something in his drink, making high in a party he didn't even remember going to. He didn't even remember his first time nor was aware he had already given it until Jongdae had told him a few moments ago._

_Maybe he wouldn't have been so mad if his fiancé had told him that years ago. If instead of hiding that small fact he wouldn't have felt so betrayed at the moment, he wouldn't have felt so torn knowing the person he loved so much had hidden something he had the right to know for so long._

_"I-I'm sorry."_

_"Get out, just, get out. I need time to think and you being here is only making things more difficult."_

_"I," Jongdae paused and eyes widen he saw Xiumin's tear filled eyes. His heart gave a painful pang._

_"P-please just g-get out."_

_Not wanting to hurt the man in front of him anymore the only thing he could do was nod drag himself towards the door. Before he closed the door the sound of broken sobs hunted him._  
_______

'Kim Jongdae'

'Kim Jongdae'

'Have I heard it somewhere before?'

Xiumin questioned, wondering why the name sounded so familiar yet nothing seem to pop up on his mind. After making up an scene at the mall Xiumin had dragged Jongdae away, embarrassed by the all the attention the blonde had managed to attract with his dramatic ass.

Jongdae had put up no fight against this, only following after the older boy like a mindless puppy. They had gotten out of the mall, Xiumin forcing Jongdae into his car and driving away. During the ride Jongdae had stayed quiet, refusing to glance at his ex-fiancé in fear he would breakdown and start crying like a baby.

"Hey uh, Jongdae was it?"

Nodding silently Jongdae took a risk and peeked a glance at Xiumin, immediately regretting it when he saw the conflicted expression on the man's face. It hurt, it hurt seeing Xiumin again after so long. The wounds of the past resurfaced.

The stitches that had been barely holding the wounds closed together were suddenly ripped out, leaving them fresh with blood and pain soaring through his whole being. And hearing Xiumin had forgotten him, it was like applying alcohol to the already bleeding wounds.

"I'm really sorry, but I can't seem to remember you. I'm not saying this to hurt you or as 'payback' but I can't really seem to remember you at all." the sincere tone on Xiumin's voice made tears fight to form.

How was that possible?

"You said we spend at least one third of our lives together," again Jongdae nodded looking straight ahead with sad eyes. "Then you should probably know I was in an accident a few years ago. A car accident." Xiumin mumbled turning to a street.

He was in an accident.

An accident he hadn't known anything about. A pang of shock suddenly slammed into Jongdae who numbly stared at the air. Xiumin could have died and he wouldn't have known anything about it.

"I lost most of my memories for a few months and supposedly all of them came back after a year. But apparently not." Xiumin murmur thoughtfully driving through the street in a slower pace. Jongdae stared at the air, each words of the man next to him boomed loudly in his mind no matter how soft Xiumin spoke.

"My friends, (I'm guessing they are your friends too) never really mentioned a Jongdae. I'm sorry I forgot about you." Jongdae opened his lips to say something but couldn't seem to get words out his mouth. Deciding it was best if he didn't say anything he closed his mouth.

Xiumin seem to have noticed that Jongdae wasn't gonna say anything and looked ahead in the road. His mind felt conflicted and confused, many things didn't make sense. Why had his friends hid something so important like this away from him?

If this Jongdae was as important as he claimed to be why didn't he remembered him?

But most importantly, who had Jongdae been to him before the accident?  
_______

_Xiumin's POV_

_"Don't you fucking dare Kim Jongdae!"_

_As I screamed this I couldn't force down the laugh that pushed its way pass my lips. Jongdae only smirked, sending a pleasing shiver (I decided to ignore) down my spine. With another glare thrown his way I stepped back and cursed under my breath when my foot hit the bed._

_Before I could even register anything else a body slammed into mines, making me gasp in surprise as I landed in the bed. Almost immediately I felt hands go down their way to my waist, fingers tickling my most sensitive spots that stole away my breath._

_"S-sto-stop!" I laughed, trying to weakly pushing my fiancé away from me. My mind was blank as laughs pushed its way out of my lips. My body jerked and wriggled underneath his from the tickling that as much as I enjoyed it hated it at the same time._

_I felt my lips pull themselves into a smile when a small tender kiss was placed on them. It was barely even a kiss, I was moving too much, laughing too much and from what I could feel our lips barely met from both of us grinning too largely._

_"Nu-uh! This is payback Minnie! You cannot expect me to just let you off when you practically humiliated me in front of my family! Again!" I admit it wasn't the first time I embarrassed Jongdae in front of my soon to be parents-in-law and his older sister._

_I didn't regret it_

_Too much laughing and barely breathing left me gasping as tears started to prickle my eyes. With another laugh I continued to weakly try and push him away. No use, I was under too much euphoria and even if I wasn't being tickled, I would never push him away._

_It was simply something I couldn't bring myself to do_

_Finally after what felt like hours and an eternity after the tickling stopped. My breaths were heavy and ragged, eyes filled with tears and not exactly a thin line but not exactly a smile either was on my lips._

_I (tried) to glare at him, trying to force down the pout that had found itself on my mouth. But of course, neither the glare stayed as much as the pout left. Jongdae, hovering over me had a mix between a grin and a smirk I couldn't help but look away from._

_The way my stomach just turned not into fluttering butterflies, nor airplanes, but a fucking stomping zoo still made me feel queasy and tingling all over. I wondered if I would ever stop feeling this way towards him._

_If I ever would stop feeling as if an electrocuting shiver sparkled everytime he touched me. As if everytime he kissed me my mind would stop turning blank to all but his lips. If my heart would stop beating so fast everytime I caught a glance of him._

_Honestly, I hope it will never happen._

_"Y-your sister wanted to know s-some things." I unfortunately couldn't stop the small lingering giggles that still pushed its way out. "She needed more blackmail material Minnie! How could you betray me like this!" his huff of annoyance made me laugh in amusement._

_"She insisted!" (only for a while) I grinned, not mentioning the fact she only pestered me about it for like 3 minutes. "You still didn't have to tell her about what happened in Suho's and Yixing's wedding! Much less about the fact I almost tripped in the middle of my dramatic speech!" I chuckled at the memory._

_"Hey it wasn't that bad." I tried to bit back the amused smile, failing miserably when he narrowed his eyes at me. "No it wasn't," he paused and for a second I thought he was finally gonna let this go after being a petty bitch about it for almost 3 hours._

_"It was fucking worst!"_

_I coughed to try and hide my laugh, looking away from his narrowed gaze. "Don't be so dramatic." I looked back at him and smiled, wrapping my arms around his neck and pulling him closer. Despite the scowl on his lips and the fact that he practicably glaring at me he put up no fight._

_"Fine then, I'm sorry I spilled some things to your sister you didn't want her to know." I sigh but still smile at the way his scowl lighten up. "As long as you don't do it again." he murmur softly, almost too softly I almost wouldn't have heard._

_I cleared my throat at the condition, not exactly quite ready to commit myself to that. His sister was an amazing gossiper who liked to exchange gossip for gossip. Strangely enough she reminded me of Baekhyun for some reason._

_"As I was saying. I'm sorry." I ignored his words from before, pulling him closer as I tangled one of my hands on his messy dark brown hair that for some weird reason always was so soft. I smiled at the way he only murmur something I couldn't quite catch._

_Much to my displeasure just before I could kiss him he stopped shortly before our lips touched. I made sure my annoyance was heard by the way I huffed loudly at the interruption. "I will only forgive you if you stop whatever gossiping you 2 are always talking about." I narrowed my eyes at his request._

_"Excuse me?" his playful grin shined through his previous scowl, making an abnormal warmth melt my insides. I ignored this, scolding myself for still reacting like a shy high schooler who just got noticed by his crush everytime he smiled at me._

_"Well you two are always gossiping about things that keep stepping and lowering my self-steem." I looked away from his gaze, neither denying nor agreeing with his statement. "Hmm." I licked my lips as I peeked a glance at him before looking away again._

_"I don't know Dae, your sister is a very interesting person with quite the stories." I murmur thoughtfully turning my head again to look at him. I almost grinned at the way he narrowed his eyes yet again, the hands on either side of my head fisted the sheets._

_"Well I don't care how interesting she or her stories are Minnie." I pulled him closer again as he said this. All I needed was a little more distractions and I would probably get away from promising to stop gossiping with his sister. I looked at him in the eyes, one of my hands was still tangled in his hair, the other gently caressing his cheek._

_"But Dae~" I pulled him closer, my lips tugging themselves into a smile at the way I could feel his breath on my lips. "That's our way of bonding. Don't you want her to have a good connection with her future brother-in-law?" just a little more._

_I could feel the way he paused, as of he was actually thinking about it. With a smile I gently pressed my lips against his. Oh would it ever change? The way my mind seem to just turn blank, the electrocuting shiver my body always seem to tingle with just from a single kiss._

_The way his lips always seem to leave me fuzzy inside and with a pleasing warmth all over._

_I hope it never will._

_"Hmm?" I slowly disconnected our lips, smiling at the way he made no moves to stop me. I could tell just from a little bit more push he would probably forget his condition. Licking my lips once again I pressed them against his, kissing him hungrily because I could never get enough._

_"I-I guess a good connection would be n-nice." I laughed as I wrapped my legs around his waist, pulling him down to where our bodies where pressed together. "It will." I smiled against the kiss._

_My heart shouldn't be pounding so fast just because of his touch. It shouldn't be fluttering so much just because of his voice and smile. All these weird things shouldn't be happening to me just because of him._

_But they are._

_And I don't mind it._

_"Hey."_

_"Hmm?"_

_"I love you." every word I said I meant it. Even if I repeated them a hundred times I don't think even once would I ever stop meaning it. I could never get bored of saying those 3 words because in the end I truly meant them every single time._

_"I know Minnie, I know."_

_I could hear his sincerity in his words. I could feel it every time he said it. He was aware. He was very much aware of how I felt. And it brought me joy knowing he knew how I felt about him, how much I loved him._

_"I love you too."_

_I would take his words. Were they the truth or a lie, I would always take them._  
______

With a sad smile Jongdae entered the house he had in the past lived in. He was more than familiar with the house and its layers. Having been the one who had chosen it and bought it was more than enough for him to become familiar with it.

Not to mention the years he had spend in the house. The beautiful years he had spend inside making memories with his lover who he remembered so fondly of. Too fondly he would say but there wasn't anything he could really do about it.

"Do you want anything? Coffee, tea, water, juice?" Xiumin trailed off, walking towards the kitchen that was neither small nor that big. It was more open actually with a counter off to the side where chairs were next to it so people could seat there.

Jongdae had once sat there, just watching his lover with a too focused concentration and too loving stare make them dinner and breakfast and lunch and so many dessert because both just loved sweets.

And once again here he was, sitting in the exact same seat as he stared at the exact same person but who at the same time was a stranger. A stranger who knew nothing about him just as he had once known so much about him.

_"Is that even a question anymore?"_

_"I shouldn't have even asked because coffee is just what everyone needs after a long day of work."_

_"Exactly."_

"Coffee is fine." Jongdae found himself whispering, looking around the lively yet dull house which was filled with so much yet felt so empty. Knowing how once the person in front of him hadn't need to ask what he needed or wanted but now barely even knew his name hurt.

It hurt so much

"Hmm. Coffee is actually my favorite, I love all the types there are. There's just something about it that always leaves me craving for more."

_'I know.'_

"I see, coffee isn't my favorite but I do quite like it a lot." he whispered, smiling a little when at the middle of his sentence Xiumin had made a small sound of disagreement. He knew how defensive Xiumin could get of coffee, of course, Xiumin owned a café for a living.

"Well I find it that coffee is just what one needs after a long day the perfect thing to have!" Xiumin was always so defensive towards coffee.

_'I know, and I also know that you love curling up on the couch in front the fireplace with warm coffee on your hands on a cold winter day, drinking that forsaken sweeten coffee that will one day kill you and I know that and I know so much more. But then again, so long has passed maybe I don't know you anymore.'_

"It truly does sound appetizing." Jongdae mumbled, a bittersweet smile on his cat like lips, eyes that usually held a foxy cleverness was dull like a sad rainy day.

"But coffee always tastes better in a winter day. Imagine a cold winter day, in front of a fireplace, curled up in the couch and drinking warm sweet coffee as it warms up your hands and body! That sounds amazing!" Xiumin gushed, spinning the spoon as he added sugar to the coffee.

"I bet you love those days."

_'You used to live for those days.'_

"How'd you know?" Xiumin laughed, walking up to him and placing the coffee in the counter.

_'You used to rant about it all year.'_

"Lucky guess." Jongdae raised the cup to his lips and took in a small sip, a sad smile grazing his lips at the taste of the familiar coffee tasting exactly the way he loved it and exactly the same as it did all those years ago.

"Hmm," Xiumin tapped his lips and smiled, "you must be a good guesser then." he grinned.

_"Dae you're the worst guesser in the world! Like hell I think you just broke a new record that didn't even exist as the worst guesser in the world."_

"Some wouldn't say that." Jongdae took another sip, the caffeine and warmth seeping into his stomach and body and left him all warm and fuzzy.

"How did meet? You never told me and I want to know!" Xiumin put his chin in his palm, eyes fixated on him and gave him his undivided attention.

"In a way you weren't exactly expecting."  
______

_Xiumin's POV_

_"Come on~ Please Xiu~"_

_"No."_

_I stated firmly and turned my body away from my cousin, Xi Luhan, a persistent motherfucker who won't respect my damn decision. Another round of whines again started making me scowl at him._

_"But my mom won't let me go if you don't go with me Xiu~ Please~ Do it not for me but Sehun~ Come on Xiumin~ Please~ You don't even have to stick with us~ Please, Please Xiu~ I swear I will buy you all the baozies you want of you just go to this one party with me~ Please-"_

_"What did you say about baozies?" I quickly looked back at Luhan with new found interest. At the mention of my one and only true love I actually started to think about that stupid party Luhan's been begging me to go with him and his boyfriend, Oh Sehun for a while now._

_A few hours I think._

_"The hELL! YOU RESPOND ONLY TO FOOD! YOU-YOU-"_

_"Hush child. You wanted to go to the party didn't you." I smirked and looked at my cousin. I could already smell the food even from here, my mouth watered at the thought of eating those delicious baozies._

_Luhan glared at me and I swear if I wasn't his only ticket to go to the party he would've killed me right there and then without hesitation. The bitch probably wouldn't even have felt guilty._

_"I will buy you all those stu-precious steamed buns you like Xiu just go with me."_

_I sat in my bed, swinging my feet that didn't quite reach the ground in fake thoughtfulness. I already had my answer, food is my only true love so of course my answer is,_

_"Fine."_

_"Thank you Xiumin! I love you forever!" Luhan literally squealed and threw himself at me. I groaned at his weight and faked the sounds of being suffocated. "Get off you fat ass! You're breaking my bones!" I pushed him away and grinned at his roll of eyes._

_"Whatever you asshole. Get up. We need to get dressed. The party starts in half an hour." he ran towards my closet with his phone, probably texting Sehun that we are going. I sigh and shook my head disapprovingly._

_I seriously don't get what's so exciting about drunk teenagers in one tight room grinding against one another all sweaty and disgusting as they keep spouting non-sense._

_Luhan is one weird person._

_With a small huff I roll around in my bed, waiting for Luhan to throw me some clothes out. When it comes to dressing and going outside Luhan always forces me to dress up 'stylish' meaning not comforting in the slightest._

_I groaned when I realize I will have to wear skinny jeans that will probably be way too tight and a shirt that is barely even a shirt. Hopefully he will give me a jacket or some shit. That asshole doesn't have to worry about that because his boyfriend Sehun is always looking out for him._

_Sehun is probably the only person I will ever approve Luhan of dating. He's a good kid. Nice and kind, handsome with an outgoing and friendly personality. A social butterfly who treats people respectfully and showers Luhan with rainbows and fucking unicorns as if he was a prince._

_They match one another and have a good relationship._

_"I'm only doing this because I know Sehun wanted to go to this party, got it." I clarify to my cousin who rolls his eyes at my words. I have a soft spot for the kid, he's young and carefree. He's a freshman in our school, Luhan and I are sophomores._

_Actually I will soon be turning 16 in a few months, I think maybe 4? Luhan is the same age as me and Sehun just turned 15 last week, making him feel all grown up. That's probably the pull as to why he wants to go that stupid party he otherwise wouldn't have wanted to go before._

_(A/N: I know Sehun's birthday is just a month after Xiumin's but just go along with it for the sake of the story ok?)_

_And maybe Luhan had something to do with swaying his decision._

_But I would rather not go there._

_"Hurry! Put these on!" I blinked blankly as I stared at the clothes Luhan had thrown to my bed. Just like I suspected. Black ripped skinny jeans with, woah! "Is that a normal shirt that is not overly revealing?" I didn't bother hiding my surprise as his choice of clothing for me._

_"Shut up." I grinned only at his clear distaste in his voice. I quickly changed into the clothes, huffing in frustration at the long time it took me to put the jeans. Did they really have to have so many open spots?_

_Like seriously, it was barely holding itself together by those thin strings that yes did cover some parts of my skin but they were still too much for my taste. 'Remember food, you're only doing this for food.' I glared at Luhan as I put my shoes on.  
~_

_"Remember, call me if anything happens and please don't stay until 2, 3 AM." my mom frowned as she dropped us off in front of Sehun's house. His house was close to the one where the party was held at, just a 10, 15 minute walk._

_My mom wasn't one of those who restricted you from everything and locked you up at home. (I did that enough without her saying anything about it.) She was ok with us going to parties. Actually everytime I even thought of getting out of the house she would jump in joy._

_Yeah I didn't like to get out of house much._

_"We get it. We will be back before 12. Don't worry!" Luhan assured her, his voice way too chirpy and happy for my taste. To be perfectly honest I would rather be in my room eating and watching TV all day or be in my phone reading than go to that stupid party._

_But life is a bitch so._

_"Take care of yourselves ok? I don't want anything to happen to either one of you. And please don't drink if its avoidable. You're too young for that." I nodded, knowing I wasn't gonna do that. Beer, alcohol, wine is a big 'No No' for me. They taste horrible._

_I tried it once. I cannot believe how anyone would like it. The taste is too stingy, and sour sometimes. Disgusting with a horrible aftertaste and burns in your throat. Ugh! The wine too, I don't like it. Tastes too much like alcohol to me._

_Well there is the white wine that tastes like apple juice but that's different....._

_"Aish we get it Aunty! I will take care of Xiu ok? Sehun will be there too and all the guys! Kris and Chanyeol too! You know nothing get pasts those 2!" I could tell that was making her more calmer. But a small worried frown was still on her face._

_"Mom I'm gonna be fine. Don't worry."_

_She nodded and finally stopped fussing over the 2 of us. I waved at her goodbye one last time and got out of the car. Luhan followed and walked over to the door, ringing the bell and waiting. It didn't take long before Sehun's dad opened the door, just telling us to take care of his little Sehun before letting Sehun exit the house._

_"Let's go."_

_The excitement from the 2 wasn't something I held for that party that practically yelled 'trouble' for me._  
_______

"Wait, so the way we met was through some party?"

"In a way, let me explain the rest."  
______

_3rd Person POV_

_The 3 teenagers walked towards the house which wasn't really far. It didn't take them more than 10 to maybe 15 minutes before they stood in front of the house. The house was a big one, teenagers and people all around, dancing and yelling._

_Half of them were probably drunk as they screamed non-sense to other people who almost as equally drunk yelled back some gibberish. Some of them were dancing, others in corners just talking and a few were in the counter drinking._

_The dance floor (meaning a big living room) was filled with people who were way too close together practically grinding against one another but as they called it; danced the night away._

_Xiumin scrunched up his small nose in distaste once he saw the way-too-loud house. The music was too loud for his ears, there was too much people for his taste, too much alcohol for their age and just too wild for him._

_But Luhan and Sehun seem to be a having a great time so far. The moment they had arrived they had stuck to each other, holding their hands tightly and pushing through the crowd into a less crowded area. Xiumin followed after them, not wanting to be alone in a foreign house with too much strangers._

_"I still don't get why you would want to be here." Xiumin grumbled to Luhan, small nose scrunched up in distaste at the choice of music the DJ had exploding through the house. Luhan rolled his eyes, knowing parties weren't Xiumin's scene._

_His older cousin would rather be at home playing less exciting music with a soft volume rather than the deafening music that was leaving their ears ringing at the moment. Luhan sighed and just shook his head, resting his head against Sehun's chest._

_"If you actually try to enjoy yourself you might like it Xiu." Xiumin only let out a snort of amusement. "Like hell I will. You know I will never like this Lu, so don't even try." Xiumin rolled his eyes and walked over to the kitchen._

_He looked around and found a can of soda, (he made sure it was sealed because hell no was he getting drugged or something) and walked back to where Luhan was. Well, previously was. Now all he could was Sehun looking around a little uncomfortably as he drank from a red plastic cup._

_"Hyung!" Sehun's eyes light up at seeing him. "You should try this! It tastes like apple juice!" Sehun laughed, cheeks slightly flushed but still looking mostly sober overall. Xiumin felt his heart stop for a second, "Where did you get that?"._

_Sehun blinked innocently before grinning again, "Someone gave it to me." he took another sip from the cup. Xiumin cursed under his breath and tried to take the cup away from Sehun who just whined and kept it to himself. "Who gave it to you?" Xiumin huffed, finally snatching the cup from Sehun's hold._

_"A stranger, he said it was apple juice and that I will really like it. I didn't wanna take it but mommy said not to be rude when someone gives you something so I took it." Sehun pouted, a small sulking look on his face as he swung his feet back and forth._

_Xiumin rubbed his eyes and put the cup down, wondering why the hell would Luhan leave Sehun alone. Sehun was an innocent kid, worried too much for his hyungs and believed anybody, even a stranger with the dumbest thing._

_He still called his mom and dad, mommy and daddy as if he was still 4 years old. The kid was just a small child stuck in the body of a handsome teenager with the mentality of a 3 year old. Why would,_

_"Sehun, haven't we told you not to receive things from strangers?" Xiumin scolded the younger boy, who looked down at the floor sadly. His expression was like a kicked puppy making Xiumin feel guilty for scolding him._

_"But mommy said-"_

_"Mommy also said stranger danger didn't she?" Xiumin reminded the child-like teenager. Sehun paused and thought for a few seconds, his lips slightly parted open as he tried to remember his mother's words. Finally Sehun nodded, looking at Xiumin with confused eyes._

_"Mommy did say that." he answered softly, tilting his head as he continued to swing his legs back and forward. Xiumin sighed and sat down next to Sehun. He reached out and gently ran his hand through the younger boy's light brown hair._

_"When you're outside Baby," 'Baby was one of the nicknames their group of friends had for their youngest friend because Sehun was just like a small baby, oblivious to many things. "You do not for any reason accept things from strangers ok?" Xiumin hummed, sighing._

_"Why?" Sehun frowned, looking a little sad. "Because some people, they don't," Xiumin paused to correctly word things out without completely ruining Sehun's innocence. "Some people don't have good intentions Baby. So don't accept things from them unless one of us says its safe ok?"._

_"Okay." Sehun pouted again but didn't argue with his hyung because he knew his hyung only wanted what's best for him. Xiumin sighed again and swore he will kill Luhan the moment his cousin decided to come back._

_Talk about the devil and he will appear._

_"Where the hell were you!" Xiumin snapped the second Luhan was in front of him. His cousin seemed confused for a few seconds as to why he snapped at him. Well only a few because Sehun decided to be the helpful little thing he was and stand up and stumble into Luhan's shocked arms._

_"W-why is Sehun like this?!" Luhan yelled out, looking at the younger boy in disbelief. Xiumin's anger flared up as he stood up and pointed an accusing finger towards his cousin's way._

_"A fucking stranger gave him alcohol and because you know he won't ever refuse shits from anybody he fucking took it! Do you realize how fucking dangerous that was! What if that had been some sort of drug or even worse something that could've killed him! What the hell would've you done if that happened!" Xiumin yelled at the shocked Luhan._

_"I was just gone for a few minutes. I was looking for something for him to eat. I didn't plan to leave him alone for so long..." Xiumin let out a huff and rubbed his eyes in frustration when Luhan trailed off. "Well you did! And now Sehun is freaking drunk!" he snapped, scowling._

_"I'm sorry ok?! I didn't realize how dangerous it was to leave a 15 year old alone for 5 minutes!" Luhan yelled back, sitting down and forcing Sehun to sit down too. Xiumin glared at him and let out a loud sigh before shaking his head._

_"Just, shut up. Try to take more responsibility of Sehun because you were the one who wanted to go to this party and if something serious happened it would be your fault." Xiumin ran a hand through his hair and ruffled it giving it a messy look._

_"I know, and, I'm sorry Xiu." Luhan looked down with a frown while playing with Sehun's hair. Xiumin sighed and shook his head again. "Don't take your eyes off Sehun, he's still a kid. And try not to be careless." it was hard staying mad at Luhan when he looked so apologetic._

_"I get it." Luhan's murmur was barely heard because of the loud music. Xiumin sat back down to his seat and grabbed his soda he had left in the table. He swirled the liquid around in the can and sighed before taking a few gulps to get rid of the dry feeling in his throat._

_The 3 teenagers stayed like that for a while, Xiumin taking occasionally small sips of his soda and just waiting to go home. Sehun in the other hand seem to be full of energy because he suddenly stood up._

_"Let's go dance!" he cheered, forcing Luhan to stand up. The latter looked at his cousin with a worried look on his eyes. Xiumin took another sip of his soda, noticing how it was almost finished. "Don't take your eyes off him." was all he said before finishing to drink his drink._

_Luhan nodded before letting himself be dragged towards the dance floor. They eventually disappeared int the crowd leaving Xiumin alone who was starting to get a small headache because of the loud music. He could hear people screaming and making so much noise because apparently someone had just won on taking the most shots._

_Xiumin rolled his eyes at that but then regret it when the pounding in his head became worse. He immediately stood up, wondering why he suddenly felt so hot and walked towards the bathroom. Once inside he locked the door, splashed his face with cold water to make it cool off a little._

_But it didn't work making him sigh and wonder what the hell was happening to him. He opened the door of the bathroom and got out, leaning against the wall when his head started to feel foggy and senses slowly felt farther and farther away._

_Probably a few minutes later or maybe more was when he heard footsteps from somewhere far away. Well not footsteps more like someone stumbling around and crashing towards the wall a few times. It didn't matter really because Xiumin was barely aware of his surroundings and much less of what he was doing._

_"He-heyyyy~"_

_Someone leaned (crashed) next to him, voice sort of soft but whiny at the end of the word. Xiumin didn't know how he responded, he was just keeping himself from falling down to the floor. He must've given some sort of response because the stranger started talking._

_His sentences and words were all slurred making it clear he was drunk. And not just tipsy but full blown drunk to the point where he wasn't aware of his actions or words. Xiumin could relate to the stranger because he felt like he was floating at the moment._

_At some point the stranger asked him about something and a kiss? Xiumin wasn't quite sure, he was barely even keeping his eyes half open. His head had long since stopped pounding but now felt too foggy to process anything._

_Well except that suddenly he felt an abnormal warmth against his lips. But he couldn't really find it on himself to care nor push the stranger away. Thoughts that his first kiss had just been stolen were nowhere in his head as he just wrapped his arms around the stranger's neck._

_He was kissed sloppily and neither softly nor roughly. Xiumin only responded back at the best of his abilities. Some time passed and the next minute Xiumin found himself stumbling into a room and landing on a bed._

_He didn't really have the strength to get up or really even think about stopping because suddenly lust had taken over his body. Lust that forced adrenaline on his veins, that forced him to take his clothes off because they felt too hot on his skin._

_His hormones ran wild as lips landed on his untouched skin. As something hot entered him and created pain down there where he had never touched before and forced tears out of his eyes. As pleasure eventually settled in and made his body act out on its own without he really thinking about it._

_Pleasure entered his body and barely reached his foggy mind. Everything felt too hot, his burning skin, the air he inhaled, the bed sheets against his back and the body pounding against his. Everything felt too hot and so far away. So, so far away._

_Something was building up in his body, something big that made his entire body wriggle and forced him to scream out in pleasure. It went on for a while, building up with each passing second but in the end everything exploded, white filling the back of his eyes._

_At some point everything stopped leaving him so, so tired and unaware of what had just happened. But then it started again, his body lazily responded and yet as this happened he wasn't quite sure of what was really happening._

_And at the end everything went black._  
____

Xiumin was quiet, the smile on his face that had previously been there left him like a cold slap on the face. He couldn't believe it. He thought the way they had met had been a cliché way.

A party and start out as friends.

Maybe drunk out of their minds and sharing a kiss.

Or even a random hook up.

But drugged out?

Drunken until you couldn't tell what was up or down anymore?

Your first time with a random stranger you had never even seen faces with?

God did that brought shame to him.

"I was drugged? You were drunk?" Xiumin closed his eyes, his lips quivering at the thought because the news hit him as if a truck had ran him over. He felt so disgusted with himself for letting it happen.

How could he'd let himself be taken advantage of like that?

How could he been so stupid to let himself be drugged in the first place.

"H-how ol-old was I-I?" he chocked out the words, feeling even more disgraceful and disgusted with the knowledge he had been used up like that.

"15."

"So young." he sobbed, quickly wiping away the tears because what was the point anymore? That had been the past, there was nothing he could do anymore. But even that brought shame, how could he had been so stupid to let that happen at such a young age.

"Xiumin..." Jongdae reached out for him but he quickly leaned back and shook his head. Jongdae jerked back as if he had been physically hurt, face morphing into one of hurt at the rejection.

"Not right now please," Xiumin whisper in a broken voice, "This is all hitting me way too hard and I need time to let it sink through.".

Xiumin got up from the chair, "Please let me think for a few minutes, that's all I ask." he pleaded. With so much of his past being brought up and holes on his memories being filled back with information, the knowledge was slowly tearing him apart.

He felt disgusted.

Used.

Filthy.

Xiumin gulped and watched Jongdae get down from the chair, look towards the door and look back at him with pained eyes. "D-don't leave," he immediately blurted out, "I-I don't want you to leave. Please stay. All I need is a few minutes but please don't leave again.".

Xiumin didn't realize where the 'again' had came from but Jongdae seemed to do because his eyes welled up with tears and head dropped with clear shame.

"I won't." Jongdae reassured him in a broken promise that he desperately tried to fix.

Nodding Xiumin walked out of the kitchen, pass the living room and with wobbly legs broke down in the hallway towards his room. And he cried, he cried because the past which he desperately had been eager to learn ever since he lost his memories turned out to be something he didn't want.

Xiumin hugged his knees to his chest, wondering how bad it had hurt that night, how inexperienced he had felt or how confused he had been. He wondered for the next morning, if he had felt the same hatred towards himself like he did at the moment or did he remember nothing.

_Lust_

_Adrenaline_

_Heat_

_Moans_

_Screams_

_Tired_

_Confusion_

_Foggy_

Xiumin let out a gasp, holding his head when it started pounding in pain, his head flashing with blurry images and confusing memories. The back of his eyes throbbed making him grit his teeth, the headache left him resisting the argue to cry out in pain.

_'A kiss?'_

_'What about a kiss again?'_

_'Where am I?'_

_'Why is everything so foggy?'_

_'Why does my body hurt?'_

_'What's happening?'_

_'Who is he and why is he with me?'_

_'What's wrong with me?'_

_'Why does it feel so hot?'_

Clenching his hair tightly Xiumin gritted his teeth, squeezing his eyes tightly and trying to stop all the flashes that kept appearing and being replaced.

_Everything felt too hot and so far away. So, so far away._

_Something was building up in his body, something big that made his entire body wriggle and forced him to scream out in pleasure._

_At some point everything stopped leaving him so, so tired and unaware of what had just happened._

Not being able to hold back anymore he let out a scream of pain, his head killing him and leaving him gasping and screaming.

"Xiumin!"

_"Mom I'm gonna be fine. Don't worry."_

_"....if something serious happened it would be your fault."_

_'...his head started to feel foggy and senses slowly felt farther and farther away.'_

_"He-heyyyy~"_

"XIUMIN!...IUMin...umin....min.."  
_____

With a gasp Xiumin sat up and looked around. He was in a white room, a warm bed with some wires connected to his arm and a beeping sound echoed in the room. The sound made him feel panic and his heart sped up, causing the beeping sound to speed up as well.

Minutes later a doctor came rushing towards him asking him a few simple questions as the usual procedures they were forced to always do. Xiumin found out he had been knocked unconscious for 3 days, something big had triggered his memory immensely causing him the react the way he had.

After taking off the wires in his arms now that he was awake and could feed himself without the need a machine to do it for him the doctor left him alone and only advised rest and relaxation.

"Oh and there’s someone here to see you. He's been visiting you ever since you were admitted and actually was the one that brought you here. He's outside." with a last pat of his hand the doctor left, nodding at someone in the door before whispering something just to leave after.

"Xiumin!" a voice he'd recognized even with his eyes closed yelled in complete surprise immediately grabbing his attention.

He froze, "Why are you doing here?" his voice fell into a broken sentence. Narrowing his still burning eyes from having just woken up not even half an hour ago Xiumin felt his heart speed up with anger, "Why the hell are you fucking here?!" he screamed.

He remembered everything. He remembered Jongdae and what he had done. He remembered Jongdae leaving him and not returning. He remembered the pain Jongdae had brought him, the once sweet memories crumble under the harsh truth.

He remembered and it hurt.

Jongdae stood there stiffly, holding into the thin vase tightly which held a single white tulip. "Xiumin, yo-you've-" he didn't get to answer or say anything because the man in front of him glared at him with lips pulled into a thin line.

"Get out! I don't want to see your face! Not after what you've done," Xiumin spat bitterly, clenching his fists against the white sheets that pooled in his torso. His feeling felt angry and hurt, betrayed after realizing the truth.

His heart however, skipped a beat because he hadn't seen Jongdae in so long. He hadn't spoken to him nor touched him, hadn't heard his endless laughter nor seen his signature teasing smirk and he had missed him so much.

He had missed his warm kisses and the way their bodies always connected so naturally. He had missed their weekly dates and domestic petty arguments over what sort of food they will eat. 

He missed him.

"Xiumin please hear me out." Jongdae whispered, walking to him slowly and putting the flower in the table next to where he was currently resting in. Refusing to meet his gaze or much less hear him out, Xiumin only huffed.

"All those years ago, I realize I was irresponsible with the way I had acted. Getting drunk and getting in bed with you was one thing," he heard Jongdae gulp at the last few words, "but leaving you alone and covering up the evidence was another.".

That night, after so many years, Xiumin finally remembered it. How strange, how off and how confused he had felt the morning after. The confusion as to why his body felt different, why it hurt yet not knowing the answer had bugged him so much.

"Da-Jongdae," Xiumin cursed himself for slipping up, "you know it wasn't us hooking up that really bothered me as much. Yeah sure it set me off, made me upset because it wasn't how I had imagined it but it had been my fault for even going to that party in the first place.".

"What really set me off was that you hid it from me for years." he whispered sadly, "You made me believe on something false for 9 years and faced me the next day like nothing had happened. I had the right to know what had happened that night, it involved me, giving me the right to know about it, but you didn't tell me." he closed his eyes.

"And I'm sorry Xiu-I really am!" Jongdae exclaimed in that voice that reminded Xiumin of the many years they had spent together and that exact same voice who had lied to him over and over again during the duration of their time.

It made his heart hurt. It made it bleed and twist as if a knife was going through it. It made him wonder just how many lies had Jongdae whispered in his ear with that smirk that he loved and how many times had he laughed while holding secrets behind that beautiful smile.

"You had so long, you had me for so long yet not once did you brought it up. Never even laid out clues or give hints. Every time I asked, you distracted me by doing what you do best, drag me to the bed and fuck me until I gave up." Xiumin shook his head, feeling tears accumulate in his eyes again.

"Was it really that hard just to tell me that something had happened that night in the party? Was it really that hard to tell me we hooked up? So what, we had sex, what's new? If you had just told me instead of hiding it until the last minute I wouldn't have felt so," he raised his hand towards his chest and put his hand flat against his heart,

"Hurt."

"Didn't I have the right to at least know? Didn't I have the right to know what had happened to me instead of being left clueless? Tell me Dae, didn't I?" he pleaded, wiping his cheeks because crying wasn't going to help anything.

It wasn’t but fuck why couldn’t he stop. Why couldn’t he stop crying when he knew it wasn’t going to do anything. Why did it have to hurt so much when it was going to solve nothing. 

Why?

"Minnie," Jongdae dragged out the word as if trying to find ways to say something difficult making more tears slip down Xiumin's face. "Of course you had the right. I was an asshole for not telling you. I felt guilty all the time-"

"Then why didn't you tell me?!" Xiumin angrily bit his lip, furiously wiping his cheeks. "Dae do you not realize how wrong it feels not knowing what you've forgotten, how off one feels knowing they are so close to the answer but still always slips away." he lips wobbled as more tears escaped his burning eyes.

"It hurts, it feels as if a part of you is missing. I endured that for 3 years, all the frustration of realizing someone else knows more about you than you know yourself." Xiumin didn't want to fall apart here, but he wasn't really given a choice as his body shook with more sobs.

"And you, the person who I trusted so much for so long hid something I had the right to know for 9 years Dae. Nine years! Do you realize how betrayed I felt when you finally told me that days before our wedding. I felt cheated, like I had been used, laughed at." Xiumin remembered that night with so much painful detail.

The shock of realizing how long his fiancé, the person he loved the most had his something he deserved to know for so long. The hurt of knowing Jongdae had lied to him when all he had ever asked for was the truth.

He didn't want Jongdae to hug him. He didn't want Jongdae to hold him in his arms again, to let him cry in his chest again and let himself be comforted by the man who had done this to him in the first place.

But also he couldn't object because no matter the years he still loved Kim Jongdae. He still loved him despite all the lies and secrets, despite bringing him so much hurt and pain he still loved him no matter how much pain he brought him.

"Minnie, I was scared when I found out. That morning, I had been so scared because we were so young and I hadn't planned to let myself do that until I was older and of age. I was a coward and an asshole, I acknowledge it." Jongdae's voice rang in his ear, soft and filled with pain and grief.

"I was an even more of an asshole for dressing you up, getting rid of all the evidence that had happened that night. I was a bastard for lying to you and approaching that same morning and acting as if that was the first time I met you when I knew damn well it wasn't." Xiumin shook his head.

"I acted like a stupid fuckboy around you, making it seem as if I only wanted to get into your pants when I had already done that but still lied to you about it. I was stupid and an idiot because after I had you for the second time I realized putting it off was going to hurt you more in the process." Xiumin held tightly into his shirt, not wanting to remember the past.

But he had no choice.

"But I still did it damn it! I didn't want to hurt you and I knew not knowing wasn't hurting you yet so I put it off for so many years." Jongdae hugged him tighter, "But then the guilt grew every day more and more to the point where I just had to tell you.".

"When I proposed I wanted to just tell you, to get it over with," Jongdae's voice broke making Xiumin squeeze his eyes shut with more pressure. "But you looked so happy Xiu, you looked so happy and I didn't want to ruin that day for you. I did what I knew would distract you.".

"Fucked me like you do everytime something feels like too much." Xiumin remembered that day so vividly. He had seen Jongdae was slightly troubled after he got down from his cloud 9, so he had asked Jongdae what was wrong.

All he received had been a playful smirk as hands pulled him closer by his hips, lips kissed his lustfully while slowly dragging him towards the bed and was fucked into the matress until he had forgotten what had been his first intentions in the first place.

"I needed to distract you was my first thought Xiu, that was the only quick solution I could come up with that would make you forget why I looked so troubled that day." Jongdae frowned, regret clear in his once again troubled eyes.

"When you finally told me, what had you expected? For me to let you fuck me until I couldn't remember my name? Until I forgot my anger and everything was okay and dandy?" Xiumin gritted his teeth, pushing Jongdae slightly away.

"I hadn't thought that far ahead. I just knew I had to let you know. But by the way I thought back then, that might've seemed like the best option." Xiumin scowled, crossing his arms and pushing Jongdae away from the hospital bed.

"Not everything can be solved by simply fucking it through Dae!" he snapped hotly, narrowing his eyes at Jongdae who chewed on his lip and eyes widen when he heard him saying.

"You think I don't know that Xiu?! Fucking was the shit that freaking started this! Fucking just made everything worst and believe me Xiu! I've learned my lesson!" Jongdae pleaded desperately in front of the man who had stolen his heart years ago to take him back.

"How do I know you've changed Dae? How do I do you won't just resort back to fucking me if things just get too difficult? How can I trust you again when you broke my trust once already?" Xiumin whispered softly, wanting to just forgive him but the pain and betrayal still held him back.

"I'll prove it every day if you let me Xiu. If you just give me one more chance I swear I won't make the same mistake again." he reached out to hug him but stopped himself. He knew at the moment the last thing Xiumin wanted was for him to touch him.

Xiumin looked down, the offer was tempting. He loved Jongdae, having him around stirred up old feelings from that past that bloomed like a flower receiving sunlight after being in the shadows for so long.

He yearned for him, for those sweet kisses and gentle touches. For the passionate love that held him in the nights and the safety of his arms. He craved for his presence and smiles that always bright up his world.

He longed for Jongdae.

And that was what made him afraid. What if he let Jongdae back and because he was too blinded in love he wouldn't notice if things fell back to what they once were. What if he was too blinded again that before they knew it, it was back to square one again.

Xiumin didn't want that.

He didn't want anymore lies or secrets in his relationship. He didn't want anymore fucking being the only way they solved things or avoided them until they became too much.

It would be toxic.

(A/N: a.k.a, what I basically write.)

"If I were to give you one more chance again Dae, how would you prove me you've change. And I know you won't be able to promise me we won't fuck again because that's not true. You and I enjoy doing that too much to promise something like that. You would be lying again." at the start Jongdae looked at if he had been about to protest before nodding shamefully at the end.

"I-I realize it will take hell and back for me to regain to your trust again Xiu," Jongdae murmured softly, his voice sincere and made Xiumin's heart beat painfully for him against his will.

"B-but I am willing to do anything for you to let me back into your life. I fucked up bad, I acknowledge it," and looking up, Xiumin found that Jongdae's eyes still held so much power over him and he hated it because he knew he loved it.

"But please, if you still don't hate me by now, please let me make it up. I will try my damn hardest to make it up to you Xiu, to make you happy once again," Xiumin knew that it was dangerous having Jongdae so close to him.

And with his heart beating with pure love for the man who had hurt him so much in the past and created scars in his life, Xiumin could feel his eyes welling up with tears because fuck! It was so hard trying to be mad at the one you love.

"Let me love you right this time Xiu, please give me one more chance." Jongdae whispered, his eyes twinkling with the same sweet look in them, so innocent and playful and mischievous. Exactly what had made Xiumin fall for him in the first place.

And he couldn't deny him.

"Dae..." Xiumin gasped, holding him close because his heart still yearned for Jongdae and tears still only were shed for him. "I love you," but was it right? His heart loved Jongdae and would always forgive him, it made Xiumin mad because it always made his choices biased.

"Xiu..."

It made it unfair because whatever Jongdae did and no matter how bad it was, Xiumin's heart would always forgive him because it loved him. And it scared him because he knew that the day would come that Jongdae would do something so stupid his heart would break just to forgive him.

And it was breaking at the moment.

Xiumin gritted his teeth, mad at himself for letting his heart be manipulated so easily by just a few promises he didn't even know would be kept.

"Please don't do something like this again, please don't hurt me like this again Dae. Please." he begged with his heart once again in the line.

"I can forgive but I can't forget." Xiumin closed his eyes and wondered why was he so fucked up. He should've put more of a fight. He shouldn't have forgiven Jongdae so easily, not after everything that he went through.

But they had gone already gone through so much. Jongdae had already left him for so long and as he pleaded here, was going to try his damn hardest to make up for the wrongs he had done in the past.

And Xiumin could also not find it in himself to turn Jongdae away like that.

"I won't." Jongdae whispered in his ear, with that infuriating smirk of the past slowly curling up on his lips.


End file.
